True Bathos-The Denouement Part 6

The next day dawned. The light broke in the East and my world was cradled in a mauve glow. I got my coffee and worked a bit on the computer. At 8 the phone rang, it was Tim Aufdemkamp. Tim has this ability to sound like he is unearthly calm about everything and this was no exception.

“I had a talk with Gus at Bidets4U and put Dan on the line, too. I think that we have it all figured out. If you like, I can have Dan out to you in half an hour and we can install the bidet and faucet for you today,” said Tim in a lilting way.

“Great!” I said through the suspicion that something awful would happen just as it had before, would the universe right itself? I was hearing strains of Tristram and Isolde. “I need to buy a new faucet though, Dan said that the one we got wasn’t very good. But have Dan come over and I will be sure to have the faucet for him by the time he finishes the bidet.”

I tell my husband who looks delighted and puzzled. He will be sure to let Dan in when he comes but I have to hurry back. I hare off in my car toward Van Schmeers’ Plumbing Showroom. I feel like an ICBM missile. I have a mission. I will accomplish it through the akk-akk guns of salesmanship, and return mission accomplished.

I enter Van Schmeer’s. “May I help yoooo? Oh, you were here yesterday,” states the lady behind the desk. She tells me that Anne is free and can help me.

Anne is even more nervous today than she was yesterday. But…she stops squirming and chewing when she sees me walk in. I look totally insane. I am. I don’t care.

“Hi, I want a chrome bathroom faucet on an 8″ center with some kind of white porcelain trim. I need to have it in stock because I have to take it home now. Do you have anything like that?” I am kind of gulping my words.

“What is your style?”says Anne as she normally does. Then she looks at me and realizes she isn’t talking to someone who is going to go for Fun Gothic or High Flambeau taps. I told her what I want. She scurries to the showplace and shows me one and only one style but it matches what I am looking for. I try to show my husband on my phone using Facetime. Fail, that only works on Wi-Fi or something. I explain it to him, he says it’s great. I think he would have said that even if I had said,”I found some wooden taps trimmed in duct tape and oddly shaped Barbie heads.” OK-Fine.

I pay, I leave, I get home. Dan has miraculously finished installing the bidet and as I enter the upstairs bathroom, my husband and Dan are happily admiring Dan’s handiwork. I deliver the faucet and am much relieved. I dare not mention the contretemps of yesterday. Dan seems totally over it. Maybe the drubbing he got from Gus softened him up but I see before me a New Man: happy to plumb, wise and resourceful, ready at the know. It is a miracle.

So, the faucet was installed with no incident. Monies were paid and the Aufdemkamp truck chuffed off to its next assignment.

And so, I am enjoying the healthful and hygienic benefits of  bidet ownership and highly recommend them to all and sundry who read this. If Dr. Oz himself commends it, one must take notice. And I call to your attention to the fact that patient unremunerated toil will eventually yield the desired result and in some cases it is a lifelong desire, even if somewhat off the beaten path.

Fabienne Christenson is the President and Head Perfumer of Possets Perfume and likes to write a bit from time to time especially about strange or funny things that happen to her and the best ones are both strange and funny at the same time.

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