True Bathos-Quest for the Instrument-Part 2

Now that i knew what a ‘hand held bidet’ was, and realized that I could have one then I had to find one and procure it. So, where would I search? The internets, of course! Google is indeed your friend and with a few taps of the keyboard I found that hand held bidets were obtainable from quite a few Houses of Esoteric Bathroom Fixtures around the United States of America. Great! There were even videos of the venerable Dr. Oz extolling the virtues of the ‘hand held bidet’.

I delved into this topic with all the zeal of a missionary converting heathen souls. It seemed that everyone was selling hand held bidets. This was a phenomenon which reminded me of “The Crying of Lot 49”, a world swirling all around us that we don’t see…yet.

Of course there were high end places with gold plated dolphins on the handle which shot H2O at you in any mode you liked, there were cheap plastic things which looked like they would be aimed at a head of lettuce rather than your parts, and there was everything in between. I was exhausted. Two for one deals, “bun warmers”, spray heads from Mars practically. I thought this was all wonderfully strange until I stumbled on the line of Google which sobered me up: hand held bidets were available at Home Depot and Lowes!

What the heck? I thought this was going to be the ultimate bathroom accessory which no one would be able to identify but me and here it’s a common household item? Hmmmm.

I called a likely supplier and looked and compared and asked. There were options to explore and one of them was the addition of hot water to the cold and thereby getting a nice warm shower instead of a bracing zesty one on my lady bits. This made everything all different, it would now have to be installed by a true expert. OK, it’s worth it.

So, I talk it over with my husband, he is wise in all things to do with plumbing. He says he will buy one for me. Great. He does. It’s a beauty from Italy and it looks like a fluted column with a thumb trigger on the side. Nicely chromed with a chic silvery metal hose.

In addition, there is a thick tube-like separate piece which needs to come with it if you want warm water to play upon you. It mixes the warm and cold waters and is very comfortable. The part is a 9 inch long chrome device with a dial on one end and a knob on the other. Choose your temperature (in classy Centigrade) and then turn it on with the knob. Only one problem, it is as heavy as lead. It is made like a deep space module and looks terribly ready for action. I love it, it’s the lap of luxury, ladies.

Now, for the plumber to float in and hook up my dream machine. I am poised on the brink of bliss…or am I? Stay tuned and find out.

Will it work out flawlessly? Of course not. No. No way. Tune in for the scintillating next phase of True Bathos! For a blog story for frustrated sophisticates from Peoria to Peru.

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